Things I Learned While in the Airport

I was stuck in the Munich airport all day.  My Newark flight was delayed about an hour so I was going to miss my connecting flight from Munich to Ankara.  And obviously nobody travels to Ankara except me and one other person on this planet, so they only ever have two flights a day going there a day.  Since I missed the morning flight I was stuck waiting for the evening flight with the promise of a food voucher and a day of people watching—my two favorite things.

I’ve learned one thing about myself thus far: I can’t tell time.  My math sucks thanks to my weak genetic gene pool and the fact that my older sister hit the genetic jackpot, therefore leaving me with my parent’s leftovers.  Second child syndrome: you know exactly what it is if you’re not the first born.  Needless to say, I can’t tell military time or even regular time therefore I am suck constantly re-checking my iPhone time zone app because I think I am some warped Back-to-the-Future movie remake.

I’m also pretty sure my male flight attendant on Lufthansa was wearing a dickey as part of his uniform on my fight from Munich to Ankara.  I was going to ask him if he had a dickey but I thought there was a good chance something would be lost in translation.  So I just assumed he was. 

Another thing I know:  I think tasers should be allowed in airports.  First, they’re not guns.  And second, I found a lot of potential targets that needed a good jolt… all the satisfaction, none of the guilt. 

I checked my friendly TSA app, and apparently they qualify as a “firearms.” Bummer, so this will just have to be theoretical, like a game show for idiots.  

There were a few other people I wanted to tase that were above the age of five…

Some straight guy wearing Louis Vuitton patent-leather shoes on my flight to Munich.  He had a wedding ring on his hand, which means about 95% chance he’s straight.  Who wears patent-leather LV’s in an airport and doesn’t take a private jet? Way too ostentatious. Tase.

The over-adorning coupling making out in the seat in front of me the whole way to Munich.  I want to tase both of you every time that guy kisses your forehead.  PDA is never cute, no matter what country you’re from. Vomit and then tase. 

Asshole that brought his little daughter into the smoking lounge because he was hankering a cigarette.  Double tase. 

Conclusion: I made it safely back to sovereign US territory for my first day of work and only retained 1% of what I heard today thanks to jetlag- that the Marine’s are have happy hour on Friday- yup, I’m definitely back on US soil :)